This is TMI, but I need to get it out. I have no women friends my age out here that I see regularly. The only guy who might possibly see this is McCormick - McCormick, you may not want to read this.
Peri-menapause, it is a joy! Yesterday, I got my period, 42 days since my last one. (no chance of pregnancy, so I wasn't worried about that) I am glad I got it because I was afraid it would wait until Christmas! But, it is board week at work and it will be a fucking pain. When we were in London, I had a hell period. I was bleeding like a stuck pig and I bled for 10 days. My "usual" periods have been bleed with any significance (light) for 3 days, and much lighter for maybe 3 more days. I haven't even used a tampon in YEARS because I just do not bleed enough. But that changed in London. Thank god I had dark colored pants! It was horrible. In London I had to stop every bloody hour to find a bathroom (I especially remember the one in St. Paul's cathedral as being roasting hot) And I felt like I was 12 years old again, bumbling with something that every woman should have the hang of. I was on depo proverb for years and I stopped having a period. It was glorious! But it feels strange now, to have to buy "feminine products". They have change a bit!
Tampons are awkward again - feels like sitting on a wad of cotton shoved up my twat! (sorry, but that is the best way to describe it) I know I will get used to them again, but until then, it just adds to the miserable feeling. And, this is a small thing, but the RED blood is a bit disturbing. And it is BRIGHT RED. Like I am hemorrhaging somewhere. I am usually not weirded out by the sight of my period, but the brightness of the color is alarming, feels almost instinctual, you know? I know this is all normal - I have read Our Bodies, Ourselves (though I do need to pick up a new edition - mine is from a college class) but it is still is a pain. I ache, I bleed. I woke up at 7:30 this morning (a Sunday!) because I could feel a large flow. At least I didn't ruin the sheets! I need to see an OBGYN, however, I have NO leave right now. I used everything I had when John was in the hospital. I must save 8 hours of vacation to use the week between Xmas and New Years (work is closed that week and everyone must use one day of vacation). I am already doing PT twice a week and making up that time. The biggest pain about working in DC is taking time off for a doctor's appointment, I can't just take a little time off, and get back to the office. I have to be able to work the train schedule. There is NO parking near my office, so I can't even bit the bullet and drive. I don't want to see a DC doctor in case I ever need a procedure that requires John to drive me home... So, until I have some leave, I suffer. And bleed. And do copious amounts of laundry. And visit the bathroom every fucking hour. And sometimes even cramp up a little. Fuck, why is this necessary? Why does the body have to torture us? Just fucking stop the periods!
Ok, I am going to see if I can write my way out of a panic attack. I mean, this election wasn't bad enough. I am still having problems dealing with it - doesn't seem real yet. I can only look at the moment - I can't look at the future, I can't plan, I can't look at jobs. Well, I look at jobs but I can't seem to connect it with my life. (breathe in, breathe out) And I heard from my mom today. My parents are really freaking out. They live in a very small town in Kentucky. They chose it because the weather was moderate and the homes and cost of living cheap. They were really hit hard with the economy and they are just squeezing by. Now, if they cut social security and medicare, my parents can't make it. They are talking about stock piling canned food and having to find homes for their dog and cat. My mom sells things on eBay, but that isn't doing too well at the moment. Chuck is working as a clerk at the grocery store, but she said that wasn't really secure. Well fuck What can I do? Really, I need suggestions. (breathe, breathe) I am an only child. Chuck has some kids from his first marriage, but they are not in any position to assist. My parents have downsized quite a lot in the last several years. The house is very cheap. They don't eat out any more - no place to eat. They read, watch movies, take Louis for walks, and mom is on FB. Their health isn't great - not bad, but just dealing with things. Chuck can't hear (and he is a retired audiologist!) and mom has arthritis. I had asked if they could put a garden in, but she didn't think her arthritis would allow it. shit shit shit shit fucking christ! (breathe, breathe, breathe) This isn't working...
A couple days later: I don't know if they should be panicking or just waiting and seeing. Several folks think that the cuts will not effect those who currently receive SS benefits, in which case, my parents are ok, relatively speaking. But it is the uncertainty and the fact that we can't trust these fuckers that makes it difficult to predict. Well, I guess some of it has to be wait and see, but some preparedness is called for, but how much? How extreme?
Ok, just got to get this out... A good friend who is also a Sanders supporter posted an article. She hoped that maybe the Democrats and Hillary supporters could read it and get a sense of what is driving the Bernie or Bust folks. I couldn't finish the article. I just couldn't. The author started off wishing everyone could just understand how much Bernie supporters have had it bad, how much they have suffered... I mean, Fuck YOU! Like you are the only ones to have had serious troubles over the last, shit, how many years? Bernie supporters are the only ones who have lost jobs, stability, homes?? Really? What the Actual Fuck??!! And even so, you have had it bad. That excuses bad behavior on the convention floor?
And this whole idea that it is all or nothing for many Bernie supporters. My friend is going to vote for Hillary in November, but she just can't see anything good about Hillary. NOTHING. And that seems typical for so many of his supporters. Which also makes me feel a little worried for them - what are they going to do the first time Bernie really has to compromise, be not so pure? Nobody should be put on a pedestal that high, you know? and it is going to be ugly.
Ok, I feel better now. I can watch Tim Kaine now with a calmer mind. :)
Oh, for fuck's sake! Save me from Saint Fucking Bernie!! And this is from intelligent people, friends, not "Bernie Bros"... Only Bernie can save us! Only Bernie is incorruptible. I am sorry, but I have to get this off my chest, and what is a blog good for if for not recording one's feelings, eh? I think only three of you might read it, maybe four. I don't feel comfortable posting something like this on FB.
It isn't like I dislike Sanders - I have always thought him a very important voice in the Senate. I was interested when I heard he was going to make his run. I didn't invest a lot of emotion for the primaries - I saw that it was coming down to Trump or Cruz on the Republican side, and I was honestly pleased to be able to support Sanders or Clinton, or even O'Malley. I saved my energy for the general election. And it isn't like I dislike idealists. I always considered myself an idealist. My very favorite memory of my time in politics was on the Platform Committee of the Young Democrats of America Reform Convention (which is a story in itself). I was a member of the committee that worked on the 'social' section of the platform - education, civil rights...we added sections in there for the fight against AIDS - I stayed up all night with another member of the committee working on it, then typing it in the morning, presenting to the committee and then to the Convention. I was very proud of that document. You can go wild with the platform. Not everything will be enacted, but it is a way to make a statement - a way to influence the movement, inch by inch, in increments. Anyway, as the primary went on, I was discomforted by some of the Sander's campaign's decision and by some of Sander's supporters. I ended up voting for Hillary in the Maryland primary.
So here we are. And I am so very sick of reading how shoddily Bernie has been treated and how we should be bending backwards for him. So, allow me: Bernie was not a Democrat until recently. Why the fuck would a party want an outsider to come in and use their resources when they have some good choices themselves? A political party relies on loyalty and someone coming in on his white horse, saying he is The One doesn't necessarily spell loyalty. Why would they welcome him with open arms? I am not saying that the DNC didn't handle things properly. Debbie Wasserman Schultz was an embarrassment who should have been fired a while ago. And the folks who had emails to disclose by wikileaks were just idiots.
I don't understand this urge to believe in this sort of messianic belief in one true politician. Only Sanders understands the people (Um, they do know he has two houses, right? He is a Senator, after all...) (oh, dear god, Dean got to yell at the Convention. I hope he feels better now) I suppose I understand it with younger people, who haven't had their hearts broken by heroes, but the middle aged, as is some of my friends? I may be an idealist, but I know that the world doesn't work that way. Politics sure as shit don't work that way. Shit, what would they do the first time Bernie had to compromise on a big item? Some of his supporters are losing their shit because he endorsed Clinton! What did they think he was going to do at the convention? What more did they think he could demand? Are they really that, um, I can think of no other word, naive? I read an article today talking about why loyalty is stressed in political parties. Collective action requires discipline and loyalty. Sanders does understand that. As a Socialists, he better understand collective active! I think his Campaign understands that as well. But, there is a pocket of supporters that didn't get the memo. And, they risk the 'revolution' they so dearly want. They risk Trump. (and talk about privilege - those who claim they don't care if Trump wins over Clinton - don't get me started)
I don't think Hillary is perfect, by any means. I didn't support her last time - mainly because of the War. I WANTED to support her, but her views were too hawkish for me at the time. But I respect her and I do like her, a lot. i was so excited when she decided to run for Senate! I loved her as a First Lady - bake cookies? Really? LOL
(Ah, here is Bill. I do love to watch him politic when he is 'on'. There is nobody better and he does love it so very much. I don't necessarily agree with him, but I still appreciate watching him.) Oh good god, what is the music video???!!! Well, at least they seem to enjoy themselves. And Alan Cummins has a cute dog.
I still have a bit of rant in me, but I am getting tired and 4 am is very early. Maybe more later. I don't know if this is very coherent, but I feel better for getting this much out.
I really hate writing resumes. I think part of it is that I find it hard to sell myself. And, if I am at a point where work isn't going well, I take so much of that upon myself and find it doubly hard to sell myself. I am working on a summary for LinkedIn - I looked at several friends' summaries to see how they have approached it. And I still want to say "Fucked if I know". Seriously. I don't even fucking know what I am looking for. And as to my good qualities, I doubt myself right now too much.
How about, I am looking for a position that allows me to be curious and where we all support one another? Vague, right?
And I am trying to be mindful that I want to attract the right sort of jobs, so I don't necessarily want to say I am a very qualified receptionist when I don't want that job.
And part of the problem is that I see it all as Bullshit. Capital "B" Bullshit. How the fuck can I turn off the snark in my own head??
Sorry, I just had to get this off my chest. The problem with having no friends in B'more is that I have no one to rant to.
On a more pleasant note - I am totally in love with Radiohead's latest - A Moon Shaped Pool. Such fabulous music!
About two months in with my new job. Things are going well. I still have moments where I wonder how I am going to learn everything - there are still things that I haven't been taught and there are some things that only occur once a year and I face that task when it comes (The Annual Continental Congress - the conference of the DAR held in June. When they say "Congress" they do not mean capital hill...) I would like to meet more folks, but Development is a bit of a world in its own - we are on a portion of the 3rd floor that isn't connected to any other part of the third floor, so we are isolated - we share the floor with the Museum folks. They seem nice and our admin assistant works part time with us and with them. I hear that some folks in the building don't really understand our role - "just" the fund raisers. But we do raise the funds that go towards pay, among many other things. I even heard that a museum staffer refers to the head of Development as "Mrs. Money-bags" Wow! That floors me. Had the new employee orientation today (yes, two months in - some folks have been here since May - they only do these a couple of times a year) We got a tour of some of the "Period Rooms" - The museum is known for its American Decrotative Arts - the only one that focuses on that in DC. These rooms are done up as various room types in an American house from the Colonial period to the early 20th century. (I saw a dress around a corner of one room that I will have to find again - green and embroidered - I would guess ~1910. Sort of that looser flowing sort of style of around that time. It was stunning and I want to go back and look at it closer. Really, I need a chance to explore DC more. I am usually focused on getting to the train station on time. I work a couple blocks from the White House, but rarely see it. Hell, never, that is never see it - I take the bus down 19th and in the afternoon it goes up 18th. I see the Dept of the Interior. And I get a view of the Washington Monument on my walk from the bus stop to work in the morning.
You know, it is strange, but on my progress to and from work, often times there is a crowd. Esp in the morning walk from the train to the escalator down to the Metro - one huge group of people. I know that some folks can refer to this as a group of lemmings, mindless people just going to souless work. But I don't feel that way. I feel...I don't know if I want to call it a sense of purpose, but I do feel as if I am a part of something? Does that sound hopelessly niave?
I am still a bit lonely - miss friends, miss the familiar. I am hoping that maybe we can start going to SCA events again. And I am thinking about finding a knitting class to take - there are several yarn stores in the area that have classes, so I hope I can find one that feels comfortable. And maybe meeting a few people outside of Development in the orientation today will help broaden my horizons a little. There was someone from the Library, the Genealogy dept, the Archives and the museum shop.
Arg, almost 10 pm - past my bedtime - still getting up (if you can call it that) at 4 am. I wanted to post for a while - a chance to touch base with folks, in some small way.
A quick update on the job front. I started working as a temp in John's office on Friday. Folks are nice and they are being accomodating , knowing that I had a few interviews for something permanent. I didn't like doing the drug test the temp agency required - Really really really pisses me off, in fact. But, a job is a job, right? And I have to admit, i am getting paid more than I ever got at the UW. I wouldn't want to work their permanently, though. Several folks think I should, but working at the same place as a spouse can get a little weird. It is one thing if the organization is large, but the B'more office of Philips is not that large. AND I am working directly under John's bosses. No, for many reasons, I don't want to be there permanently. In face, it seems strange to me that some folks would think this would be a good thing. Hell, if nothing else, it is good to have a break - what if you had a raging argument - sometimes going to seperate places of work and having an 8 hour break can help calm things down...
I think the Skype interview went well. I hope. She did say, after I asked some questions that also led into her questions, that it was the most efficient interview she has evern given. I might hear this week if they want to see me for a second interview - in DC. It sounds like an interesting organization and I like the fact that the person who has my job now is staying with the organization. (If I didn't say earlier, it is The Salzburg Global Seminar, http://www.salzburgglobal.org The job is an admin assitant in the office of the President.)
The in-person interview I had in DC went well. It was for the DAR, their development office - working with donors. The folks who interviewed me are very enthused about working at the DAR - which is a bit of a new one for me - morale at the UW has been low for so long, I can't even imagine anymore what enthusiam for work would be like. I got a call this afternoon on voice mail (I didn't realize I had my ringer turned off) and they want to see if I am still interested - they said in the interview that they were going to bring a couple folks back in for a second interview with a look at some skills - so I assume that is what the call will be about. I will find out in the morning.
If I had the choice between the two? Probably the Salzburg job because that would mean a couple of trips to Salzburg a year. But really, I like both very much. And I don't want to jinx anything.
:D I have an interview tomorrow with an international organization - the office is in DC, but they are headquartered in Salzburg. The interview is via Skype. A good friend suggested that I practiced a little talking into my computer - make sure I don't use my hands and cover my face, make sure I look at the camera so they can see my eyes, that sort of thing. So I took that one further and taped a little of me answering a possible question. HOLY CHRIST!!! I look so fucking weird when I talk! Is that really how I look??? What are my lips doing?? LOL!!!! Ok, I stopped watching- I couldn't concentrate. I was looking at the camera and most of my hand movements were small and not disruptive. I just can't watch myself talk one second more! Who the fuck was that woman!??? That was just disturbing.
Wow. I am glad the interview I have on Thursday is in person. A bit easier for me to get ready for. It is also in DC.
So, either way, it means a commute. The train is doable.
It is summer here - hot humid weather and thunderstorms. Soon our sidewalk, which is crumbling away will be replaced, as will the front step to the house - all thanks to a tax refund from John's relocation package.
I want to be upbeat, but I am not. Applying to jobs (10 the week before last) and no call backs. I am beginning to think that I am an idiot who has nothing of value for anyone. I am so fucking tired, constantly having to try to sell myself which is something unnatural to me. I am about ready to give up except that I don't even know what that means out here. Christ, a receptionist position with a fucking smile painted on my face and a vacant expression in my eyes?
I haven't done any genealogy because I am trying to focus on finding a job. I haven't the brain power to do any calligraphy right now, I can't seem to focus.
So, that is the news on this front in Baltimore. I am too tired to even expressing my frustation in further detail.